Something About Sam....

I'm trying to figure it out. Trying to understand why I feel such a profound sense of loss and why it moves me so deeply.  A restlessness.  And today I realized that it stems from my need to compartmentalize things in order to file them away.  It's how I process things and this blog is often a way to digest things in my mind....to think something through and understand it.   And then I share it here. Maybe somewhere along the way...an insight might help someone else. 

Sam Bos was remembered at my son's school this morning.  He would have turned 15 today and we celebrated the place he had in the lives of his schoolmates and school community.  Then we gathered outside the school and released balloons after praying together and were invited to release our cares to the Lord.

As a mom, I didn't know Sam personally.   He was a 9th grader in the life of my 9th grader.  But when I was 17, a fellow 17 year old in my life died.   I lost a classmate, a friend I went to youth group with, went to Young People rallies with, drank an occasional beer with....   I know that kind of loss.    I hugged his mom and dad at his visitation.  They loved it that we came as friends to share in their loss.   I went to his funeral.  And I saw his mom and dad continue to grieve.  It seems like they stayed sad for the rest of their lives.  I know that life goes on but that it's never the same.

When I was 26 or so, a 26 year old girlfriend of mine died.  She was in a car accident the day after Joe was born.   I couldn't go to the visitation and I couldn't attend her funeral.   She was a really strong believer and her testimony was all about being here on earth until God's work for her was done.  That changed how I looked at life.

Today I found it hard to believe that Sam's work on earth was done.   But at the memorial service I heard what an impact Sam's life had on his classmates and how his faith was something he lived out, and how his positive nature and smile could always lift someone's spirit. That work is still going on, even though he is no longer physically here.    He is not gone, just somewhere else.   How does losing someone like that change those who occupy the space where he was?  15 and already leaving a legacy.

Part of my struggle has been to regain the perspective of what is important in life.   In the grand scheme of things the work I do with my hands has so little importance.  It is the heart and spirit that I pour into it that makes the difference.  If I'm no longer doing it for the right reasons then maybe it's time to move on.  Maybe.  Maybe not.   Maybe it's time to adjust the motive.

I can rest in the shadow of His Wings until the disaster passes.    I can cry out to God Most High, who fulfills His purpose for me.  He sends from heaven and saves me...God sends His Love and His faithfulness.  My heart is steadfast.  Great is His Love, reaching to the heavens: His Faithfulness to the skies.  Pieces of Psalm 57

So excuse me while I adjust.  It might take some time.   I'm trying to rediscover the importance and significance in the things I do and say.  I want the people in my world to be just as rocked by this as I am.  I want them to be rocked to change and not be satisfied with just getting by...

What will you do with the time that's left? - Mark Schultz

A favorite blog ended with this quote today:
 
This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind…let it be something good. Author Unknown.

It's Not Easy Being Green

When I drive my eyes occasionally drift over to what's growing on the side of the road.  Our area of Ontario experienced some really hot dry weather this summer and I was amazed at how many green things were still growing along the roadside in the middle of August.  I thought there should be dead yellow and brown grass. Instead I saw a lot of green:  bull-rushes, goldenrod, loose-strife, asters...  The lush green grass of Spring may be gone but that`s only because it has finished its cycle.    My bleeding heart plant gives it up around the beginning of August if I`ve watered it faithfully.  And then I just saw it off at the ground.  Same with the poppy, spider-wort, etc...  These plants are Spring`s first signs of  life but they are short lived.     Then there are plants that need a longer season to grow.   Like corn they need the heat units of summer and don`t show their spectacular blooms until the fall and carry on with reckless abandon until the frost finishes them.  

Often when we imagine growth in ourselves and in the world around us, we expect lushness and greenness, that "other side of the fence" kind of greenness. We expect that growth will follow a pattern.  Sometimes we need to stretch and challenge ourselves, and God gives strength and courage for us to follow His Leading.   But often we experience growth after spending time in the wilderness.

Rarely do we get to choose how we will grow or in which season we will do our growing.  In my experience, God has more to say about that than I do.    Yet when we allow God to do His Work in us, we will grow, we will bloom and we will produce the seed that He needs us to share with the world.  

About Going Back to that Other Routine....

"So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad.  Then joy will accompany him into his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun." 
Eccl 8: 15

....a fitting reading for Labor Day.  

We are on the eve of routine, preparing to go with a different flow. 

So much has happened this summer, so much has changed, and so much has stayed the same.   We have gone away alone, we've gone on some family day trips, we've gone to friends' houses and have just stayed in town, around the house.  Our landscape and social fabric changes.   Old friends go and new friends come.

A really difficult event of this past summer was attending the funeral for a classmate of our youngest son.   As a parent I listened to the siblings, the dad, and watched the slideshow.  You can't help but try to put yourself in their shoes....and you come away with a totally different perspective on what is really important in life.   It makes you not want to be in a hurry. You want to make sure you say the I love yous and you make sure you go places together and take the photos. 

This morning we learned that a classmate of our youngest was hospitalized yesterday after a cycling accident.  He is in critical condition with a head injury. The son of a friend of mine, also sustained a head injury this summer.   We are continually confronted with the fragility and brevity of life.   How quickly we head out the door each day, assuming that life will always ebb and flow predictably.  

So on this eve....I have to be glad.  I can head into this new season, having spent the last one under the sun making sure we had times of gladness together.  There was a time for everything. You enjoy the laughter and the good times.  And you work through the difficult things because it's worth it.   And you never know how many days God will give you or your loved ones.  You just have to make the most of every moment and make sure to fill each moment with all the love and gladness you can muster.

...and trust that your times are in His Hands (Psalm 31:15).