A Lesson on Expectation

I'm ready for a trip. I'm ready to get out of here.  I sat down the other day to write.  I thought I was ready.  I had just had a really great conversation with two friends.   I love it when conversations give me something to think about.   It kick starts my thought process and often ends up in some kind of conclusion or at least helps a train of thought reach a destination.

So I sat down to write, ready to squeeze out the sponge that is my brain. All that came out were fragments that wouldn't come together.  Then I remembered...

There's no point to head out unless you're led out.  I have been loving my small group and realized that a couple of my last posts have come out of my "homework".  Maybe those are the steps that I'm supposed to take.  Maybe those are the weekly steps toward rest.

Rest is really a state of mind, I have discovered.   My hands can be busy and my mind be totally at rest...and vice versa.  Like when I found that rest might not look like sitting on the couch

So there is no rush.   In church just the other day, I heard it... "He leads me beside quiet waters.  He restores my soul." Rest itself is a journey and if He leads, then I will follow, knowing I'm on the right track....

That comforts me today.

Literally hours after I composed the post above....I read these words from A.W.Tozer, The Pursuit of God, (quoted in Crazy Love by Francis Chan). 

O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. ...Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed.  Begin in mercy a new work of love within me.  Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. 

Sometimes when you start to jot down the fragments, they look like individual steps, but when placed one in front of the other, they start to look a little bit like the start of a journey.

That gives me goosebumps.   

Slow Down

Nov 22 and I am outside in my t-shirt washing the flower pots to put them away for the season.  One little plant is thinking about blooming just one more time.  I just don't have the heart to toss it on the compost pile...yet. 

Today the simple act of washing the pots, in beautiful weather, is in itself a moment to slow down.  I didn't realize when I started how many memories would surface.   I love it when things remind me to remember!

The painted terra cotta pot reminded me of the Amazing Race I planned for one of Joe's birthdays when we drove around Strathroy, picked up a cell-pack of annuals and some pots at the Flower Ranch and went home to paint them. 

The cute lime green one was given to me by my friend PK. He loves plants. He's such a kind and nurturing friend to me. 

There is the pot that reminds me of the fun I used to have with friends, when we were young busy moms, setting up the craft room at the SCCS bazaar.  There is the pot from the door prize of  the LDCSS Curling Bonspiel.  In writing about it now, it reminds me how much I have loved my 3 year term on the LDCSS Board of Directors.  Then there is the one with the butterfly from my bestie.  And the white ones I bought in the white elephant room at the SCCS Bazaar for a steal, with the IKEA tags still on them. The steel pail from an outing to Winter Wheat in Sparta. The ivory porcelain pot from the little shop by the Huron County playhouse when I went with the ladies to see Vimy. The orchid pot from IKEA that has yet to see an orchid.  And the big blue ones from Canadian Tire just because I love the color.

So many good memories.  Good to take some time to slow down and remember. Pulling the brakes on the bus.  Stopping to contemplate while my hands are busy.  Stopping to contemplate that God is good.  

I guess I thought slowing my pace would look more like sitting on the couch. With a pen and paper. Maybe it means just enjoying the tasks that my hands find. Being in the moment rather than rushing out of it.   Capturing it and savoring it....just for a bit.

Restless

For a while I've been trying to think of how to explain the direction in which I'm headed.

Truth is, I'm not sure. But I have learned the hard way not to head out unless I'm led out.  Where I don't sense leading, I should probably stay put. It's hard for people to understand waiting, as if you have to be on your way somewhere all the time. 
While I stay put I need to rest.

Part of my rest has come in the form of my small group(s).  
Part of my rest means not taking on new things.  Even fun things.
Part of my rest is putting stuff away from the journeys and chapters in my life that are coming to a close.  That's just my personality....tying off loose ends and details.  But a lot of things have happened that leave a whole host of loose ends flapping in the wind. They are elusive and that makes me restless. Tying them up clears my head.  But sometimes you discover that some loose ends will not be tied and you have to let them go.  Release them... 

Restless.
Knowing the time to move has not arrived.

The things that happen in life have a way of making you re-evaluate..where you've been, where you are going, even if you want to keep going, and if so, if you want to keep doing things the way you've been doing them.  Ask yourself....so how's that working out?

What if the answer is..not so great?   

Part of my rest has to be doing those things that I know I need to do but am not finding time for. I have to start making time, mostly, just to be. I get so caught up in the things that press that I take myself away from the things that are important.   I remove myself from the contexts where I find rest and healing to meet deadlines. Using gifts and talents to meet needs while neglecting the state of my heart and my soul.  All of it urgent, and lately sacrificing my peace with my pace. The fragmented parts don't add up to a whole anymore.

I haven't had time to write or to make cards.  I haven't made time to respond to the nudges I feel.  Denying a part of who I was created to be.  Created for wholeness.

It has felt more like wandering that being on a journey. Maybe somewhere along the way we get caught up in the roles we carry out.  Even the roles of our callings. We know the direction in which we were going, but it got out of control like a train that is now barreling down the tracks without brakes.   Resting is a way of restoring the brakes and evaluating if I'm still on the right track.

So I guess that answers where I've been.
The next step is to see where I'm going...and I'm sure that'll get figured out as things slow down.

Last week I met one of my readers. So cool to know that my writing speaks to others.  To bless others as much as I am blessed. I long to get back to writing.  Slowing my pace to rediscover my peace.  Maybe losing momentum is really the best thing that could happen.  :)